Sometimes, break-ups go well. Ideally, the parties privy to a relationship are able to move on, carrying on with their lives without any drama. Just as often, though, trying to end a relationship goes haywire.
We’ve all heard stories about ex-boyfriends refusing to accept that things have ended, sometimes even behaving in a dangerous or violent way, or stalking their ex. In fact, it’s estimated that about 1.3 million women are physically assaulted by an intimate partner or ex every year in the US alone.
Read on to learn about fundamental relationship red flags, and pick up some tips to improve your safety and security when dealing with a crazy ex-boyfriend.
What is a Crazy Ex-Boyfriend?
It’s not unusual for an ex to be dramatic or over-the-top. Maybe they’ve been over-emotional, begged to be forgiven, or contacted you more than you’d like. But when their behavior becomes unpredictable—even psychotic—you’ll probably start to worry for your own safety.
In spite of what they might have you think, this is a perfectly reasonable concern to have, and should be taken seriously.
Things like making threats and stalking are, unfortunately, common behavior from crazy ex-boyfriends. One US-based survey suggested that almost 8.1% of women report having been stalked at one point in their life; about 1 million women are stalked annually in the US.
No doubt, it’s a hard pill to swallow, but the frequency of stalking is such that when you do start to recognize suspicious behavior, it’s important to take immediate measures to protect yourself and ensure your own safety.
How Do You Know If Your Ex is Dangerous?
When so much emotion is involved, it can be easy to forgive an ex for behaving badly. Common red flags that you shouldn’t turn a blind eye to include lovebombing, stalking, or incessant insults. If you start to notice any of these, taking back an ex can be dangerous.
Let’s say you’ve asked your ex to stop contacting you: if they continue to do so, this is a red flag, because they are actively crossing a boundary that you have communicated.
Thus, being aware of what you have communicated is important, because if they are blatantly ignoring your boundaries, this might be a sign that they’re being possessive and controlling, rather than caring or apologetic.
This can be a prelude to more abusive behaviors, like stalking. If your ex begins to turn up on your doorstep without warning, then you need to start taking the situation seriously and step up your home security.
What Do You Do With a Crazy Ex? 3 Essential Tips to Follow
Thankfully, there are reasonable measures that you can take in order to protect yourself from dangerous ex-boyfriends. We’ve included three handy tips here to help you if an ex is causing distress and won’t leave you alone.
1. Catch the behavior early
When a crazy ex-boyfriend causes trouble, people often realize too late that there were signs of this behavior all along. If you have suspicions about your partner, or ever need to reflect on the way they have acted in the past, it can be useful to monitor your surroundings with home security equipment.
Of course, you don’t need to descend into paranoia. By committing to reasonable boundaries, you can afford to be objective about the situation; surveillance is a reasonable means of looking out for yourself, your possessions, and anyone you might live with.
A user of AlfredCamera had the following to say after she used the product in this way, confirming her suspicions about her son’s girlfriend:
“I’m so thankful for Alfred Camera, because I caught my twenty-year-old son’s girlfriend being abusive to my seventy-six year old mother.”
2. Stop all contact with your ex
Ideally, your ex will be respectful of your boundaries. A respectable place to start with this is to simply cut contact with them for a period of time. If they continue to contact you after you’ve told them to stop, you should block any phone numbers and email addresses, preventing them from reaching you.
Sometimes, this can lead to escalating behavior, such as your ex-boyfriend arriving at your home.
Though you may be tempted to rationalize it, this kind of behavior is unwarranted, manipulative, and, ultimately, trespassing, so don’t hesitate to contact relevant authorities should you come across questionable security footage or experience threat-making or violence on your property.
3. Secure your home against unwanted visits
If your ex-boyfriend starts turning up without warning at your home, you should look into using home security.
External cameras can be enough to keep people away, and can be very cost-efficient, but in a situation where your safety is potentially jeopordized, it’s important to combine different tools, including alarm systems and perhaps non-lethal means of self-defense.
The Alfred Camera app will immediately notify you of your stalker’s presence if they’re picked up by a security camera, as was the case in this incident shared by a user last year.
“I downloaded this App last night after a few days of dealing with an unpredictable ex-boyfriend who has aggressive tendencies and attempted to break into my apartment earlier this week. Last night I was so tired because I hadn’t been able to sleep since I was afraid that he might show up and try again. I thought being able to see my front door while I was in my bedroom might help give me peace of mind and help me sleep. When I woke up this morning I was so relieved that nothing had happened overnight and I got up to go to the bathroom, thankfully I had my phone with me. While in the bathroom I heard some fidgeting at the door and for a second thought I was losing my mind. I shut and locked the bathroom door and immediately opened up the app only to see my ex breaking through my front door. I was able to call 911 and get help before anything bad happened and the app caught and recorded the whole thing! Never in my life would I have thought I’d be in a situation like this and I am beyond grateful for this app! Thank You!”
Just as the user did, you should always contact the police to make them aware of the situation. Attempting to take matters into your own hands can put you at risk.
A final solution would be a restraining order should a lawyer or the police deem this necessary. Though taking legal action can feel like you’re intentionally derailing your life, it’s important to honor your rights to safety and security by taking necessary action. Always discuss your options with a lawyer before committing to anything.
FAQ
Should I trust my crazy ex?
If you trusted your ex for the duration of your relationship and they suddenly start acting in a way that is surprising or even frightening to you, it can be a sign that you were wrong to trust them in the first place. It’s therefore very important to maintain a degree of objectivity. If they respect your wishes and do what you ask of them, then it is likely safe to trust them. Either way, it’s worth making sure your home is protected in case things get ugly.
How do you deal with a crazy ex?
If you and the ex are still in touch and they are exhibiting red flags, you should insist on cutting all contact with them. This is a reasonable boundary to make regardless of how the ex is behaving. Even in the best of break-ups, cutting contact is a great means of helping you move on. If they don’t respect this and continue to contact you after telling them not to, you should block any phone numbers and email addresses associated with them, and make your friends aware of the ex’s behavior.
How do I get rid of my dangerous ex?
If you want to make absolutely sure that your ex can’t speak to you or come near you again, you should first invest in some home security equipment. If disturbances continue, contact the police. With a police reference, it will be possible to obtain a restraining order, and any further contact from your abusive ex-boyfriend will be punishable by law. The footage captured through surveillance, including through AlfredCamera, could be liable as evidence should you take legal action. Always consult a lawyer for legal advice.
AlfredCamera is available for free on the App Store and Google Play Store.
Conclusion
Having a crazy ex-boyfriend is an alarming situation to be in. By informing friends, family, and the police about the situation, and doubling down on your home security, you can get back to feeling safe and secure.
Most importantly, taking your own concerns at face value, rather than doubting yourself out of lingering affection for your ex, is an empowering position to be in. It can be hard to be objective, but your safety should always come first; surveillance can create that distance and be a way of honoring boundaries.